Pancreatitis!!!

Did I spell that right?  No matter.  Two weeks ago Monday I had an experience that I want to relay and speak a bit about my thinking since the occurrence.

It was Monday morning and I had awoke to get Isadora out if bed, and do the morning ritual.  A bottle, some goofing around, then breakfast and more goofing around.  Isa and I are on the living room floor playing with her toys, and I decide to get a glass of juice for myself before I get her breakfast going.  I had woken up with a bit of an ache in my abdomen, but dismissed it as the consequences of a weekend working in the yard.

After a  moment (and I mean I barely made it the five steps back into the living room from the kitchen) I found myself doubled over in pain on my knees in front of Isa.  She thought I was playing a game at first, but then started to wonder.  She had that "what the F^[< game is this? I don't think I like it" look on her face.>

I yelled for Emily.  She must have heard the pain in my voice because she was there in a heartbeat.  I remember describing the pain and then literally begging her in my agony "Please  help me".

I don't remember a lot more until we were in the car pulling up to Tucson Medical Center's emergency room.   Em put my in a wheel chair, rolled me inside to the check in and dashed back out to park the car and get Isa.   The first thing the check out guy asks me is my name and Date of Birth.  I am not sure if he asked anything else of relevance except when he asked me to rate my pain on a scale of one to ten.  I groaned/whimpered "Ten."

Mind you, I have had open heart surgery.  I have broken my tail bone (long story).  I have blown my ACL and had reconstructive surgery. I have had the shingles.  Nothing, NONE OF THESE, compare with the amount of pain I was in at that moment.

The guy rolled me into the back and was talking to someone.  I couldn't sit up any longer.  I rolled out of the wheelchair, onto the floor and assumed the fetal position.  I heard a woman say "He's on the floor now".  The guy came and picked me up and they rolled me to a bed.

They took blood, gave me an IV and some morphine.  Let me tell you this about morphine.  The shit is not useless but definitely not as effective as it ought to be.  They shot me up twice with that shit before it finally just made me pass out.  When I woke up the pain was still there.  In my opinion, putting someone to sleep is not really treating their pain.  But that is just me.

A doctor (I forget his name but I think he may have been from India or another asian country) came in wand woke me up.  He said I had Pancreatitis and would have to be admitted.  I am sure I asked him a few questions but I don't really remember much.  Frankly, I am not even sure Emily was there.

I spent the next two days being shot up with deluadin (???) and sleeping about 20 hours a day.  Which upon my discharge I found out the doctor was doing intentionally.  Upon retrospect, I thank him greatly.  The guy was a good doctor, I asked him about other risks, about withdrawal from the drugs he was giving me and told him about my recently diagnosed Valley Fever (which is another thing that sucks, particularly paired with Palo Verde' s in bloom and grasses going to seed - I know I am a mess, right?).  He followed up on all my questions and gave me very comprehensive answers.  Honestly, if I couldn't go to my regular Primary Care Doctor and this dude had a practice, I would go to him.

But so now for the post discharge aftermath.  I spent two days eating nothing but broth while reading up on this stuff.  It can be caused for a variety of reasons. But of most interest to me was excessive use of alcohol.  The literature says this is one of the more common reasons unless you have gall stones, an excessively fatty diet, or are prone to it as a chronic condition.  Having never had it before, having a decent diet for the past few years, and not having gall stones, that left me to be "most common".  I had asked the doctor specifically about the valley fever and he said the two were unrelated. 

I used to have 3-5 glasses of wine a night.  With the rare occasion of running into free scotch, that is about it.  I never missed work, am a successful student. and I think a pretty decent Dad (although we can always do better at that type of thing).  I never believed for a moment that I was using alcohol excessively.  Alcoholism runs in my family.  My father and my brother have had issues with it.  As have I in the past, though mine were usually associated with some sort of traumatic event.  But excessive use????  

Anyway, in a week or so, I am supposed to be able to have a glass of red wine occasionally.  But we will see how that goes.  But the other thing that this brings to mind is that my fathers health issues began at about the same time as mine have in my life (heart defect being the exception).   So it makes me question how well I am going to be able to do this.  These plans for us.  This life.

I am basically attempting to revamp my entire career.  I have a beautiful, fun and happy crazy little person to chase after, provide for, help grow and take care of.  And I feel like I am not doing enough to support my wife or even just interact with her.  This past two weeks I know that is true, because it has been on my mind.

We have big plans.  We want to have a camp/small farm and run a business bringing people in and educating them about sustainable living while also selling produce and other goods that we (and those that come to learn) make.

But first I have to get back into the workforce (which will take about another year).   And we have to start saving.  At this rate I don't see it happening for at least another ten years.  We may be able to do our own stuff on a small scale before then, but not enough to make a living.  We will still both have to work.

So with all these health problems and the family history, in ten or fifteen years am I going to be able to do this?  It has me a bit preoccupied.

But there is still work to do.  School starts back up in a month or so.  I have my Fingerprint clearance card so I can start substitute teaching, and Em has a job as an english teacher for the next year.  Things are looking good.  

I'll do the best I can to take care of myself and my family.  We will get there.  Someday.  Even if I end up just being the old dude that sits on the porch and tells you about how animals behave, or how those mountains were formed, or what plants are around and what to look for to find your way.  I'll be there.  

Pancreatitis.  Imagine that.

 

Almost Cut My Hair

Happened just today.  Gettin'  kinda long.  I could have said it was in my way.....

Okay enough of the CSN rip off.  

I haven't cut my hair in over 5 months.  It is annoying me but I am loathe to cut it because for some odd reason I think that will draw me back toward a lifestyle that I have rejected.  i.e. corporate america.

My stint of 17 years in corporate america, specifically the health insewerance industry keeps coming back to me, even though I am loathe to think about it.  

Just the other day I reluctantly went to the doctor, even though every fiber of my being told me that it would be a waste of time and money.  I knew this because I know how the system works. Doc's get paid by the number of visits/procedures/drugs the perform or dispense.  So the best thing is to be edumacated about your own body and what kinds of self care you can administer and when things really are bad.  Save the doctors visits those times.  Other than that, don't give them your money, or have them bill the insewerance company so they can turn around and charge you more for coverage.

But I went.  And I was right, it was a waste of time and money.  But at least no one is bitchin' at me to go anymore.

Now that I am a college student again, I get all the activist craziness of any college campus.  Outrage at a guy being charged with vandalism for writing on the sidewalk with chalk.  Well yes I think its stupid and outrageous, but guess what, it is also the law.  The law does not differentiate on the type of material used or where the material is deposited.  So tough shit, dude.  Sorry.  

This would not be a surprise or nowhere near as contentious had any one of the 60+ thousand people on campus had they spent the half day in any corporate orientation where you go through corporate handbook.

Corporate America is nothing but exemplary at stifling a persons first amendment freedom of expression.  I once worked for a company that dictated how, if you wanted to, you could color your hair.  Many companies still have policies regarding tattoo's and piercings.

So I guess that is why I am loathe to cut my hair.  I can finally walk around with short sleeves on, so fuck 'em, I am going all the way.

Not much to say

Its been a while since I posted.  I have been busy with school.  Mondays I am in class from 9am straight through to six.  Wednesdays and Fridays from 9am to 1pm.  Tuesdays and Thursdays I stay home, play with Isadora and study.  Saturdays another 9am to noon math class.  So I've been a little busy.

The classes are good.  Field Botony, Ecology, Wildlife Conservation, Sonoran Desert Ecology, and Math.  So far I am a solid B student without a lot of effort.  This coming week will be the test though.  Paper due Monday for Sonoran Desert Ecology, exam in Field Botony Monday, exam in Ecology Wednesday, and a Math exam on Saturday.  So this weekend has been primarily studying.  Botony today, Ecology Flash cards today, write the paper tomorrow and study more botony.

So we will see if I can hack this stuff, or if I am out of my mind.

What We Need

“You know what we need”, she said,

lazily pointing the knife in my direction

from where she had been

chopping celery at the counter. 

It could have been a new shower curtain

or a dozen eggs. 

 

But I couldn’t hear her over all the static.

This static that fills my head like 1,000 television sets

tuned to dead stations. 

Their volume turned up to 11. 

This static that blows away

any creative thought

like a wisp of smoke. 

 

It could have been a trip

to some tropical paradise

where we could make love

 on empty beaches of endless sand

and the nights are filled with native rhythms

and the scent of exotic flowers. 

 

But I couldn’t see her through all this light. 

This blinding white light

that gets under your fingernails

and wipes away every color and shape. 

The static and the light

that make me want to explode

out of my skin

and causes an aching

like a full body migraine.

 

What we need is to hold onto imagination

and inspiration

that will make a rainbow of color

spout from our heads instead of this

soot spewing chimney we trail behind us

as we walk dazedly through our lives. 

 

What we need is to let go of all our burdens,

abandonment issues, trust conflicts,

clinical depression

and faithlessness in life. 

 

What we need is to let go of our fear,

our numbness

and the belief that to do so is too hard. 

 

What we need is to stop saying nothing too loudly

and start saying something softly. 

Words of love,

empathy, compassion and kindness. 

 

What we need is to stop the static and the light

from keeping us truly alive.

 

“You know what we need”, she said,

lazily pointing the knife in my direction

from where she had been

chopping celery at the counter. 

 

“What’s that, hon”? 

I miss people I do not remember

Is that strange?  I keep thinking of these friends and acquaintances from old work places, high school and college, but I can not remember their names or anything very specific about them.  If I think I know the name, I try and search for them to try and reconnect, but invariably, I can not find them.

I can't even remember anything really specific about them, except that maybe we were on the wrestling team together, or we hung out or dated on occasion or were in a class together or had the same boss or worked on a project together.

I suppose its not a big deal.  If I can not remember them, then they must not have had a significant impact on me.  However, it makes it seem as if I have no past.  

I mean, I know I have a past.  It just does not seem all that "grounded".  I have never lived anywhere for longer than four years at a time.  And only a very few of the connections I have made in any of those places, have I been able to stay in contact with.  Even then, I have very few specific memories about these people.

Then there are some people that I go for years without speaking to or hearing from and then one day one of us picks up the phone and its as if we had never lost contact.  And there is so much I feel I want to know about them.  What have they been doing for the past however many years?   How did they meet their current partner?  Do they like sushi?  What's their favorite color?  Which books have they read that have had an impact on them?  Have they had surgery?  Lost a spouse?  been sick?  traveled abroad?  andicantrememberwhatcoloryoureyesareandireallywantotlookintothemandseewhatisbehindthemandconnectonareallevelbutweare1000milesapartintimeandspaceandthereisntarealisticwaywecouldeverreallyknowoneanotheragainandifindthatverysadandnotabittragic

(Thanks Heather for the idea on that formatting).

So although I do not feel lost or ungrounded in my current situation, I am having difficulty with my past.  And it is odd to me.  Not that I will end up doing anything about it, its just something I have been thinking about lately.

I guess I'll mow the lawn, clean the pool, trim the garden, do the dishes, get some home work done, call the credit card company, play with my daughter, and write a blog.  Just like the rest of the world that I seem to have lost contact with.

Dreams

I haven't been sleeping well for the past two nights.  I have had very vivid and disturbing dreams.  Images from the past and possible tragedies of the future have plagued my mind.  It seems that every time I am woken by one of these dreams as soon as I start to fall back asleep. they start right back up where they left off.

It is very disconcerting and not a little annoying given I could really use a good nights sleep.

Last night was full of images from old jobs that annoyed me, cousins in trouble, and my wife and I running down the deck of an aircraft carrier on fire, planes in the air shooting at us, loud noises, smoke, the whole WWII movie thing.  It was very vivid.

I know I am stressed out about school and money and things of that nature, but jeez, can I guy get a break.  Xanax isn't working.  Neither is alcohol or a good workout or hard days labor.

Anybody got any suggestions?

The Water Company

So we got a $400 water bill for July.  Our consumption has not changed since June (when the bill was $140).  So we called them.  They said to call a plumber and have him check the system.  $130 later we have a piece of paper from the plumber indicating that we had no leaks in our system but that the water meter was "weird" and had a possible problem.  So then we called the water company back and they sent someone out.

So this guy showed up, he looked at the meter, then filled out a form that said we weren't home when he was here (a lie - he didn't even ring the doorbell and I watched him from my living room).  He also stated on his little report that there were no leaks, which I can't figure out how he determined that because he did not test all the lines (like the plumber I paid $130 to).  He wrote on his report that we should call the Water Department and schedule a water audit.  So we did.  It was supposed to happen this morning from 7 to 9am.

So I get up at six and wait.  At 8:45 I was done waiting so I called the water Department.  After waiting on hold for about twenty minutes I explained the sequence of events to the customer service representative.  She put me on hold and then came back to say she didn't know why their guy didn't show up and she would have to call me back.

I then informed her that  she should tell the guy to go have breakfast or something because I wasn't going to wait around for him anymore.  I told her that I would pay what we paid for June minus the bill for the plumber I paid at the direction of the Water Department. I stated that we had done everything the Department had asked of us to cooperate and get the bill straightened out and they had not lived up to their commitments.  I also pointed out that on their web site as well as their own hold recording it indicates that the Department of Water is operated like a private enterprise.  I told her that if that were the case, they would have lost a customer.

I then told her that if they tried to shut my water off, I would slap them with a law suit.

If I don't hear back from them by the end of the day, the Mayor, The Director of the Department of Water, and my City Council Woman will be getting a letter explaining the situation and telling them to get their act together.

So there.  See Mom, I'm gonna write a letter.