What We Need

“You know what we need”, she said,

lazily pointing the knife in my direction

from where she had been

chopping celery at the counter. 

It could have been a new shower curtain

or a dozen eggs. 

 

But I couldn’t hear her over all the static.

This static that fills my head like 1,000 television sets

tuned to dead stations. 

Their volume turned up to 11. 

This static that blows away

any creative thought

like a wisp of smoke. 

 

It could have been a trip

to some tropical paradise

where we could make love

 on empty beaches of endless sand

and the nights are filled with native rhythms

and the scent of exotic flowers. 

 

But I couldn’t see her through all this light. 

This blinding white light

that gets under your fingernails

and wipes away every color and shape. 

The static and the light

that make me want to explode

out of my skin

and causes an aching

like a full body migraine.

 

What we need is to hold onto imagination

and inspiration

that will make a rainbow of color

spout from our heads instead of this

soot spewing chimney we trail behind us

as we walk dazedly through our lives. 

 

What we need is to let go of all our burdens,

abandonment issues, trust conflicts,

clinical depression

and faithlessness in life. 

 

What we need is to let go of our fear,

our numbness

and the belief that to do so is too hard. 

 

What we need is to stop saying nothing too loudly

and start saying something softly. 

Words of love,

empathy, compassion and kindness. 

 

What we need is to stop the static and the light

from keeping us truly alive.

 

“You know what we need”, she said,

lazily pointing the knife in my direction

from where she had been

chopping celery at the counter. 

 

“What’s that, hon”? 

I miss people I do not remember

Is that strange?  I keep thinking of these friends and acquaintances from old work places, high school and college, but I can not remember their names or anything very specific about them.  If I think I know the name, I try and search for them to try and reconnect, but invariably, I can not find them.

I can't even remember anything really specific about them, except that maybe we were on the wrestling team together, or we hung out or dated on occasion or were in a class together or had the same boss or worked on a project together.

I suppose its not a big deal.  If I can not remember them, then they must not have had a significant impact on me.  However, it makes it seem as if I have no past.  

I mean, I know I have a past.  It just does not seem all that "grounded".  I have never lived anywhere for longer than four years at a time.  And only a very few of the connections I have made in any of those places, have I been able to stay in contact with.  Even then, I have very few specific memories about these people.

Then there are some people that I go for years without speaking to or hearing from and then one day one of us picks up the phone and its as if we had never lost contact.  And there is so much I feel I want to know about them.  What have they been doing for the past however many years?   How did they meet their current partner?  Do they like sushi?  What's their favorite color?  Which books have they read that have had an impact on them?  Have they had surgery?  Lost a spouse?  been sick?  traveled abroad?  andicantrememberwhatcoloryoureyesareandireallywantotlookintothemandseewhatisbehindthemandconnectonareallevelbutweare1000milesapartintimeandspaceandthereisntarealisticwaywecouldeverreallyknowoneanotheragainandifindthatverysadandnotabittragic

(Thanks Heather for the idea on that formatting).

So although I do not feel lost or ungrounded in my current situation, I am having difficulty with my past.  And it is odd to me.  Not that I will end up doing anything about it, its just something I have been thinking about lately.

I guess I'll mow the lawn, clean the pool, trim the garden, do the dishes, get some home work done, call the credit card company, play with my daughter, and write a blog.  Just like the rest of the world that I seem to have lost contact with.

Dreams

I haven't been sleeping well for the past two nights.  I have had very vivid and disturbing dreams.  Images from the past and possible tragedies of the future have plagued my mind.  It seems that every time I am woken by one of these dreams as soon as I start to fall back asleep. they start right back up where they left off.

It is very disconcerting and not a little annoying given I could really use a good nights sleep.

Last night was full of images from old jobs that annoyed me, cousins in trouble, and my wife and I running down the deck of an aircraft carrier on fire, planes in the air shooting at us, loud noises, smoke, the whole WWII movie thing.  It was very vivid.

I know I am stressed out about school and money and things of that nature, but jeez, can I guy get a break.  Xanax isn't working.  Neither is alcohol or a good workout or hard days labor.

Anybody got any suggestions?

The Water Company

So we got a $400 water bill for July.  Our consumption has not changed since June (when the bill was $140).  So we called them.  They said to call a plumber and have him check the system.  $130 later we have a piece of paper from the plumber indicating that we had no leaks in our system but that the water meter was "weird" and had a possible problem.  So then we called the water company back and they sent someone out.

So this guy showed up, he looked at the meter, then filled out a form that said we weren't home when he was here (a lie - he didn't even ring the doorbell and I watched him from my living room).  He also stated on his little report that there were no leaks, which I can't figure out how he determined that because he did not test all the lines (like the plumber I paid $130 to).  He wrote on his report that we should call the Water Department and schedule a water audit.  So we did.  It was supposed to happen this morning from 7 to 9am.

So I get up at six and wait.  At 8:45 I was done waiting so I called the water Department.  After waiting on hold for about twenty minutes I explained the sequence of events to the customer service representative.  She put me on hold and then came back to say she didn't know why their guy didn't show up and she would have to call me back.

I then informed her that  she should tell the guy to go have breakfast or something because I wasn't going to wait around for him anymore.  I told her that I would pay what we paid for June minus the bill for the plumber I paid at the direction of the Water Department. I stated that we had done everything the Department had asked of us to cooperate and get the bill straightened out and they had not lived up to their commitments.  I also pointed out that on their web site as well as their own hold recording it indicates that the Department of Water is operated like a private enterprise.  I told her that if that were the case, they would have lost a customer.

I then told her that if they tried to shut my water off, I would slap them with a law suit.

If I don't hear back from them by the end of the day, the Mayor, The Director of the Department of Water, and my City Council Woman will be getting a letter explaining the situation and telling them to get their act together.

So there.  See Mom, I'm gonna write a letter.

A Note to Conservatives and Conservationists

Nietzche's Environmentalism

Wikipedia defines conservatism as a political view based on tradition and maintaining the status quo.  This is exactly the problem with conservatives in today political environment in the United States.  If you want the status quo, shut your face and /or get the fuck out.  The status quo is what 32 years ago the public opted for in lieu of Jimmy Carters attempt to get us going towards an alternative energy policy.  Those of you who are old enough may remember that he put solar panels up at the White House.  Ronald Reagan had them taken down and now they sit as an exhibit in the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library.

Had the conservatives (and general public apathy) not won in that particular political game, the nation would not have fought three wars and spent trillions of dollars on fostering our dependance on foreign oil and trying to stabilize a region of the world that has never in the recorded history of mankind ever been stable.

Finally, we are throwing significant amounts of cash (about 100 times more than Carter) at alternative energy.  The idea is a solid one, Carbon emissions (even admitted by conservatives) can not be sustained at current levels if we intend to continue to survive on this rock. Conservatives will say we are spending ourselves into the poor house and not offer any other solutions for curbing our dependance on foreign oil (other than tearing up Alaska) or reducing carbon emissions.    

So yes, we are spending debt.  However, with a switch to alternative energy sources we do a couple of different things that the conservatives have conveniently swept under the rug, have addressed with fear mongering rhetoric, or not addressed at all.  First, we will save ourselves from our own destruction by halting our (albeit admittedly on accident - at least at first) re-engineering of the planet's climate that allowed us to get here (i.e. evolve) in the first place. Second, we will no longer have to spend the money we are currently spending to stabilize the middle east or try and overthrow the Venezuelan government with our not so hidden war in neighboring Columbia in the name of keeping drugs off the street. (Which is working really well by the way - can you sense the sarcasm).  Finally, we will create an economy that is based on innovation (ie not the status quo) and environmentally sustainable resources.  Which ultimately will make all the money we spend on "going green" back with the interest and then some.  So, conservatives, please forget about tradition and the status quo and think about your children's children and what the world will look like when you are buried in it rather than walking on it.

There is another tangent to this.  And let me go slow because it is a bit difficult to get there.  We are not talking about your traditional conservative definition of "tree hugging" "standing in the way of progress" Conservation when we talk about going green or using alternative forms of energy.  Those who are aware, could give a flying fuck in a rolling donut about the spotty wooded owl if the space is better used for a geo-thermal plant, a wind energy farm or a very large array of solar panels that will provide millions with electricity and create thousands of jobs at the same time, not to mention not spewing toxins into the atmosphere or ground water.  That type of conservation (the tree-hugging kind) ignores the overriding theory of evolution and is really no different that the political conservatism that we started off talking about.  You two are bed fellows - who knew?

There is a reason we are smart enough to alter our environment.  There is a reason Panda's won't screw to save their own species and the Tazmanian Devil is dying off of a genetic disease.  These things are not worth saving over saving our own skin.  So don't think for a moment that going green is about saving the planet as it is today.  It is not.  The planet, as well as us will continue to evolve.  If ultimately that means we are not on it or a part of the biosphere, so be it.  Life evolves.  By the way, in case you didn't know, from an evolutionary standpoint history has taught us that the last species of any given genus is usually doomed to extinction over time. Homo Sapiens (you and me) are the last species of our genus.  Think about it.

Nietzche invoked what most saw as the concept that gave rise to the Nazi's  (the Ubermensch), much like the conservatives that are comparing what current administration is trying to do. Those that think that (Rush Limbaugh pay attention here) did not read Nietzche with a critical enough eye to understand what he was really talking about.  What he was talking about was in fact Evolution in the Darwinian sense. 

Oh but I forgot, we don't believe in that either....

Aging

Is an interesting thing.  I am by all accounts middle aged, and yet I feel as if I am just starting out.  I have a seven month old daughter.  I am looking at going back to school and starting a whole new career after 17 years in my old one. 

I am not one of those people that wakes up everyday thinking it's all brand new and I have a choice about how the day will be.  I hate those people.  I find most of them considerably vapid by comparison.

But of late, and perhaps it is because of my little Isadora and my beautiful and loving wife of two years, Emily, its seems as if every day brings a new adventure or challenge.  And they are good challenges.  Not like the stupid ones provided by my former job in corporate america.

Yes there are things that are a pain in the ass (like the water bill, the need to go get immunizations, trying to decide how to approach the latest recruiter that wants me to dive back in to corporate america, etc, etc).  But these are all rather trivial in the grand scheme of things.  And what will be will be.

Not that I am taking some laize-faire (yes I know I can't spell it, but you get the drift) attitude towards these things, or choosing not to deal with the challenges that the day offers, but it just isn't getting to me the way it used to and I think I am better for it.

In the end, it really doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks of how I go about my business, as long as I have Em and Isa, things are cool.